Saturday, September 11, 2010

running through my head

comfort many thoughts lately.
i'm a thinker. i think - constantly.
all day, all night. every second.
sometimes that is a good thing. it can get
my creativity going and ideas pouring out.
it can shine a bit more light on who i really am.

but then all the thinking can take me right over the
edge and into another, completely opposite territory
as well.  where thoughts of insecurity, inferiority, and
poor self image come to light and try so hard to take over.
they leave me feeling uninspired and my creativity
is almost non-existent.  that is exactly where i've allowed
my thoughts to take me over the last year (or two).  where
i once used to create and feel inspired effortlessly, now i do not.
i am, however, feeling the spark of creativity again along with
so much beautiful inspiration that my starving eyes have absorbed lately.  
i am feeling that part of me awaken again and i want to make
sure that it has room to grow.  to be nourished.  

it is really hard to put these feelings into words, but i know
that so many others know exactly what i mean.  i feel like i let the
negative thoughts and opinions of others (many in the extended
family, a few friends, etc)  influence me entirely
too much.  i let those same thoughts and opinions make me feel
like i don't belong or that i don't deserve the things my heart
longs for.  those same people who dwell in that consistently
negative mind-frame drag me down.  all the way down.
absolutely mentally exhausted.
then i find myself retreating and pulling silently inward until 
no one knows i'm here.  i'm just quietly here on the sidelines.
quietly tolerating the negativity that seems to always be swirling
around.  i'm tired of it.  of these people. of this game.  i feel
ready to let go.  to let go of the things and the people whom
i have allowed to penetrate my thoughts and the life i live with
negativity and ugliness.  

i'm ready for a more authentic life.  a life where i can have a
clearer, more focused mind.  i'm ready to let go of those people
who hinder me in any way with negativity and jealousy and
hate.  i want to move forward being me.  unapologetically.  i want to let go.

i found this post over at mainemomma's blog yesterday.  take a
look at the poster image at the bottom of the post.  and read it.
how awesome is that?  if i could find one, i'd honestly order a
huge one and hang it right where i could see it everyday.  i love
these kinds of reminders and this one, right now for me, sums up all
my feelings at this moment.  

now the next phase of my thought process is leading me to this
question.  why do i care so much?  why do i really care about
what people think?  so much so that i allow it to interrupt the
flow of my own life.  so much so that i let it silence me and i
allow myself to take the back seat.  as if somehow i'm afraid
of rocking their boat, afraid of putting them in their place,
afraid of drawing attention to myself.   maybe i'm too much
of a people-pleaser.  it makes me many things.
i think self-confidence is a major part of the answer
 to my question and it is the one thing that i have nearly
lost completely along this journey.  i want it back.  it is the key
to happiness i think.  it is what allows for self-expression and for
a blooming creative spirit.  

i also wonder why i'm spilling all this here on my little blog with
the intent to hit the publish button, but sometimes just getting the
words out in written form is exactly what's needed to clarify the
mess of thoughts and emotion swirling around in my head and heart.

it's time for this soul to exhale and let go of what isn't working.
it's time to grab hold and not let go of what does.
it's time to be authentic and not hold anything back.
it's time to be me.  in every way, all the time.
it's time.


Amy ♥ DailyPleasures said...

So true, Sandra, and as a fellow thinker, I completely understand. Although I had a great deal of self-confidence as a young person, somehow over the years, I learned to care more and more about what people thought and to allow it to influence me. You see, I hate conflict.

I encourage you to find one person whom you love and trust, who believes in you, but wants the best for you enough to keep you from getting too far from your priorities (oh, that's me - I can get carried away with every project!). For me, that person is my husband. And then concentrate on pleasing only God and that one person and try not to think about what others think of you.

When I first met you, you were a very creative soul. I see glimpses still - quite often - but I'm anxious to watch you blossom into a fully opened creative flower once again.
I pray for you, my friend.
Love, Amy

Amy ♥ DailyPleasures said...

I found this for you:

I'm sitting getting my hair brushed this morning while I upload and order pictures, so I had some extra time on my hands. :)

jess said...

I can see right into your soul. I swear, I feel exactly the way you do frequently. I have friends similar to what you describe- sucking my energy and only using it for negative. It's your life and you only have one shot at it, don't feel bad about leaving them behind. Propel yourself forward, feel the breeze in your hair and let the negative dwell in the wake. Acknowledge the negative and move onto another part of your mind... yoga meditation is so helpful with this for me.
::hugs:: I am digging through all these words trying to help. xoxo

radiantreflections said...

you already know how much this post means to me, and how similar my thought paths are, i just wanted to comment and let you know i was here, and im thinking of you xo