Wednesday, March 2, 2011

thinking

new pillows

lately there aren't many words
coming out of my mouth or
off my keyboard. rather
the words seem to stay inside,
tangled up and uneasy.

sometimes it feels like my mind
is racing away and of course
the words seem to fail me
every time.  lately my mind
is just busying itself with thinking.
lots of thinking.  about many
different things:

healthy eating

health insurance

getting older

seeing more gray hair in my own head

seeing the texture of my skin change

feeling changes

seeing young mothers and expectant mothers out and about...realizing that my time with babies and diaper bags and sippie cups and all night nursing is a thing of my past

feeling my relationship with my husband and my kids take on different directions, just the way they should be as we're all getting older

wondering what kind of parent my kids think i am...am i good enough?  am i honest enough?  am i making any big mistakes?...

feeling like my husband and i are true friends, in the deepest sense...it seems like the years with babies and toddlers made us put us on the back burner or maybe we were just less mindful of each other with all the focus going toward the kids.  i'm just feeling thankful that we are beyond that and are mindful of each other completely.

feeling a need to write, with many ideas swirling around in this head of mine

feeling unable to make the words flow, in reality and on paper...or maybe it's just me being afraid of seeming imperfect, or as not enough

wondering how to "have it all" or what my idea of that means

wondering why i feel like i'm not enough, not good enough, not perfect enough, not like the others...(i know, i know, but i'm sure we all wonder the same thing at times)

sometimes i feel like there just aren't enough hours in a day, but then realize it's only how i spend them that counts

wishing i had closer friends...who understood me, really and truly


new book  61:365




i've been thinking that spending all day in the library with an armful of short novels sounds perfect...if, of course, the library also had a coffee shop

i'm also wanting to do a little antique store shopping, with many little ideas in my mind that i'd like to browse for.  things like little side tables, old kitchen utensils, i'd love to grab a set of vintage dinnerware in white and aqua, more and more old mason jars, an old glass cream jar with lid, crocks for storage, old wooden wine crates to store just about everything...

i want to finish my roll of film...the one that's been hanging out in my camera entirely too long.  the one that is begging to be sent off to the lab while i put in one of the other rolls that has been waiting patiently for me to hurry up already.  :)

i want a new piece of artwork to hang over my sofa...without spending a fortune.  i'm hoping i'll come across one large enough and affordable enough soon.  i love this one...but can't spend that amount.  i think i'll do some etsy browsing this weekend.

and i know that those two photos have nothing at all to do with my whiplash-ed train of thought, but they were my shots of the day.  the new pillows i made for my bed...although i'm already having daydreams about
different colors.  i like the colors in them, but maybe for the sofa instead.  for the bed i think i'd like to find some white fabric with a little aqua-ish design...something light and with more white than color.  hmmm....i knew all that sewing would bring out more ideas.  ;)    oh, and the new book i picked up this week - it's Letter to My Daughter by George Bishop.  i'm only a few pages in and am totally hooked.  I can't wait to finish it over the next couple of days.

so now i'm off to think of what will be for dinner and to finish the last few minutes of a movie while the kids are outside...

happy wednesday evening!

3 comments:

luksky said...

Love your post...two things that stuck out the most for me...
"wishing i had closer friends...who understood me, really and truly"...I know what you mean.

...and I LOVE the artwork you want to hang over the sofa. You are truly a talented and insightful woman...and I'm not just sayin' that. :-)

Cora said...

OMG...the same line hit home for me too!
"wishing i had closer friends...who understood me, really and truly"
It's funny how our feelings run those thoughts through our minds! Feelings of less, not enough, not perfect...what a struggle we go through. You are not alone.

Jessy, Greg, Grace, Jack, Nora, and Lexi said...

ditto, ditto, ditto. so much to say, but can't find the words...

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