Friday, April 29, 2011


What's been going on here lately?

My oldest girl turned eight years old last Friday.  I can hardly believe that eight years have passed so quickly.  I remember perfectly having her and bringing her home, dressing her in little girl things, brushing her full head of black hair and putting in hair bows, looking at the shape of her eyes and falling in love with her sweet face every time I held her and nursed her.  I remember that she slept incredibly well, hardly ever waking in the middle of the night to nurse.  I remember inhaling the baby scent of her hair and skin, holding it close to my heart, knowing that those moments would pass incredibly fast.  I was right.  They did pass quickly.  Eight years later I'm letting her shift from little-girl things to the things she's more interested in like dance and art and writing, I don't insist on hair bows and dresses and pink anymore {her birthday was totally blue} as I let her decide what she likes best, I still think the shape of her eyes is the most beautiful I've seen, I still hold her quite a bit being sure to take in the scent of her strawberry shampoo, I smile at her more grown-up vocabulary and the way she quietly observes every detail of whatever is going on around her and her laugh and her scented lip gloss and her dance moves.  I'm excited to see the changes in her and in our relationship with each other, building trust and love and memories along the way.

I've been enjoying a few books that I've been reading for a couple of months now.  I'm reading and studying them and thinking about them very slowly, taking in every word I can which has lead to quite a bit of thinking lately - as always - the type of thinking that precedes actual change.

I'm trying my hand at saying "no" to those things that I don't want to do even when my people-pleasing heart wants to just give in and say okay.  It's hard to do.  It's also very rewarding at the end of the day to know that things are just as you want them to be, the pressure being turned off.

I've been thinking a lot about letting go lately.  Of things, of people who tend to bring me down, of worry...
Sometimes the best thing to do for our futures is to let go of that which has been a negative influence on our past.  Let those things be learning experiences, stepping stones to a happier future without looking back in regret.

Nurture, my word for the year, has been on my mind so very much lately, mostly because I can't get the hang of it.  I've begun to take it seriously on more than one occasion, but sadly, I've eventually lost all focus and fall back into old habits.  I feel that those old habits are insanely hard to break.   Right now, detox is the word in the front of my mind.  Detoxing using veggie and fruit juices with a few supplements to hopefully grab hold of those addicting things like sugar and carbs and clean them away, leaving me without the incessant cravings, or at least bringing them to a more manageable level.  Meditation is another thing that I plan on taking  more seriously.  I need it.  I need the benefits of clearing my mind and bringing myself to center every day.  Exercise has already begun to happen everyday.  Walking gives me the stress release I need and it makes me feel better almost immediately, so that is a big start.  I never would have thought that nurturing myself in a more focused manner would have been so hard to do.  It may just be the hardest lesson I ever learn.

Going back to school, oddly enough, has been going round and round in this brain of mine.  Should I go back and finish my degree?  How much will it cost?  How will I find the energy to both do my schooling and home school the kids?  Am I just wishful thinking?  Am I just needing a life change, a direction in which I'd like for myself to be heading?  Oh, questions, questions....and for most I have absolutely no answers.

I've also been thinking a lot about compassion and being empathetic.  In my heart I feel so very compassionate.  Many times, outwardly, I don't feel that I show as much compassion and empathy as I should. So many times showing compassion and empathy to certain people seems to fuel their own  pity-party mentality and the situation, although you feel should improve with lending a hand or a shoulder or an ear, just seems to deteriorate even further.  That, in turn, leaves them needing even more of all the compassion and empathy they can gather, only to deteriorate again, to an even further degree.  I just wonder sometimes, is it me not being as compassionate as I should or not being empathetic enough, lending an unbiased ear and hearing them fully without offering any "should-haves," forming prejudices in my mind or passing judgment,  or is it a general case of "You can't help someone that won't help themselves?"  I don't really know.  It's a hard call.  Maybe it's just a difficult combination of the two.

As you can see, lately I've been in a more pensive mood, thoughtfully going over so many things in my mind, trying to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together.  Making a journal entry, of which I've made many over the last few weeks, or typing things out on this keyboard always seems to make things much simpler.  It takes the mental chaos out of the equation, leaving just the important facts, only the feelings that matter.  Then I'm able to look at these entries and say, "Yes.  I understand now.  It finally seems to make sense."  That, in the end, is all that really matters I think.


And, just because I've listened to it a hundred times lately......One.

1 comment:

justine said...

Sounds like you have been busy lately. I keep thinking about a detox and giving up everything that contains sugar, constant battles! I love your
Photograph, it has such a lovely serene feel to it.