Friday, April 29, 2011


What's been going on here lately?

My oldest girl turned eight years old last Friday.  I can hardly believe that eight years have passed so quickly.  I remember perfectly having her and bringing her home, dressing her in little girl things, brushing her full head of black hair and putting in hair bows, looking at the shape of her eyes and falling in love with her sweet face every time I held her and nursed her.  I remember that she slept incredibly well, hardly ever waking in the middle of the night to nurse.  I remember inhaling the baby scent of her hair and skin, holding it close to my heart, knowing that those moments would pass incredibly fast.  I was right.  They did pass quickly.  Eight years later I'm letting her shift from little-girl things to the things she's more interested in like dance and art and writing, I don't insist on hair bows and dresses and pink anymore {her birthday was totally blue} as I let her decide what she likes best, I still think the shape of her eyes is the most beautiful I've seen, I still hold her quite a bit being sure to take in the scent of her strawberry shampoo, I smile at her more grown-up vocabulary and the way she quietly observes every detail of whatever is going on around her and her laugh and her scented lip gloss and her dance moves.  I'm excited to see the changes in her and in our relationship with each other, building trust and love and memories along the way.

I've been enjoying a few books that I've been reading for a couple of months now.  I'm reading and studying them and thinking about them very slowly, taking in every word I can which has lead to quite a bit of thinking lately - as always - the type of thinking that precedes actual change.

I'm trying my hand at saying "no" to those things that I don't want to do even when my people-pleasing heart wants to just give in and say okay.  It's hard to do.  It's also very rewarding at the end of the day to know that things are just as you want them to be, the pressure being turned off.

I've been thinking a lot about letting go lately.  Of things, of people who tend to bring me down, of worry...
Sometimes the best thing to do for our futures is to let go of that which has been a negative influence on our past.  Let those things be learning experiences, stepping stones to a happier future without looking back in regret.

Nurture, my word for the year, has been on my mind so very much lately, mostly because I can't get the hang of it.  I've begun to take it seriously on more than one occasion, but sadly, I've eventually lost all focus and fall back into old habits.  I feel that those old habits are insanely hard to break.   Right now, detox is the word in the front of my mind.  Detoxing using veggie and fruit juices with a few supplements to hopefully grab hold of those addicting things like sugar and carbs and clean them away, leaving me without the incessant cravings, or at least bringing them to a more manageable level.  Meditation is another thing that I plan on taking  more seriously.  I need it.  I need the benefits of clearing my mind and bringing myself to center every day.  Exercise has already begun to happen everyday.  Walking gives me the stress release I need and it makes me feel better almost immediately, so that is a big start.  I never would have thought that nurturing myself in a more focused manner would have been so hard to do.  It may just be the hardest lesson I ever learn.

Going back to school, oddly enough, has been going round and round in this brain of mine.  Should I go back and finish my degree?  How much will it cost?  How will I find the energy to both do my schooling and home school the kids?  Am I just wishful thinking?  Am I just needing a life change, a direction in which I'd like for myself to be heading?  Oh, questions, questions....and for most I have absolutely no answers.

I've also been thinking a lot about compassion and being empathetic.  In my heart I feel so very compassionate.  Many times, outwardly, I don't feel that I show as much compassion and empathy as I should. So many times showing compassion and empathy to certain people seems to fuel their own  pity-party mentality and the situation, although you feel should improve with lending a hand or a shoulder or an ear, just seems to deteriorate even further.  That, in turn, leaves them needing even more of all the compassion and empathy they can gather, only to deteriorate again, to an even further degree.  I just wonder sometimes, is it me not being as compassionate as I should or not being empathetic enough, lending an unbiased ear and hearing them fully without offering any "should-haves," forming prejudices in my mind or passing judgment,  or is it a general case of "You can't help someone that won't help themselves?"  I don't really know.  It's a hard call.  Maybe it's just a difficult combination of the two.

As you can see, lately I've been in a more pensive mood, thoughtfully going over so many things in my mind, trying to fit all the pieces of this puzzle together.  Making a journal entry, of which I've made many over the last few weeks, or typing things out on this keyboard always seems to make things much simpler.  It takes the mental chaos out of the equation, leaving just the important facts, only the feelings that matter.  Then I'm able to look at these entries and say, "Yes.  I understand now.  It finally seems to make sense."  That, in the end, is all that really matters I think.


And, just because I've listened to it a hundred times lately......One.

Friday, April 15, 2011

around here


things have been busy. lots of spring cleaning
and outside work being done. lots of little repair/maintenance
work being done on the house before we repaint it in a few weeks.

lots of time spent with the kids,
half of whom have been quite sick
so far this spring, but seem to be
feeling much better the last few days.

a little time spent outside doing nothing
more than eating breakfast and lunch at the
patio table or lounging in my sun chair
soaking up a few rays.


i love the time of year when salads
can be a main meal and you don't feel
empty for something warm. i love the
smell of cucumbers and tomatoes,
of lemon and olive oil.

i love the returning desire to
exercise more and take longer walks
and be outdoors. i love the renewed
energy that spring brings just as
winter has nearly consumed it all.


a few photo inspirations from this week:

the colors and tones in this photo make me really happy.

this is beautiful in its simplicity.

i'd like to be here with a good friend to share a cup and to talk a while.

this blue is absolutely perfect.

i'd like to take a walk here, breathing in the gorgeousness.

waking up with this view would be a beautiful start to the day.

capturing light this way never ceases to amaze me.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

One of Those Days


Today...has been one of those days.
The kind you know that you'll laugh about in the
future, but the kind that is really not quite so funny
while it's unfolding although if you don't laugh
you just might lose your mind. Yep. One of those.

film, Kodak Portra NC400


And tonight I'm loving this song.

Wednesday, April 6, 2011

spring snapshots




all in lavender.
i wish you could have smelled
the sweet scent of all the
wisteria blooms last week.
so fleeting.


we're still having a bit
of a rough go
around here this week.
one child finally well,
another child sick,
and a super-tired mama and
daddy running on
very little sleep,
but my fingers are crossed
that we'll come out
feeling better than ever
by the weekend.

Sunday, April 3, 2011

Catching Up








this week...or rather, has it been two?
so much going on.

sick kiddos
homemade comfort foods
antibiotics. uggh.

i'm ready to move on
from the weird round
of sickness we seem to
be having. we survived
all winter long with not
so much as a cold, but we
seem to be starting spring
off on the wrong foot.

it'll be better soon.
i'm sure of it.


on the photo end -
i'm still doing my
project 365 and still
enjoying my film camera.
i mean really, really
enjoying it, so that
i'm not picking up
my digital as much.
{all but the first photo
above are film shots.}

i also added a blog list,
at the bottom of the page,
of a few favorite film
photographers. if you
love film, you should be
sure to check them out.
so much inspiration there.

here's hoping for a much
better, healthier week!