Thursday, June 21, 2012

Self

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I admit, I think a lot about documenting myself here, now.  I honestly have a fear of turning my camera around even though a few years ago I did participate in a year-long self portrait challenge.  Although I have a very warped sense of self, it did feel good to actually know that I was leaving behind some proof that I was, in fact, here.  Something for my kids to look back and see and hold onto.  Then, somehow, I allowed myself to start feeling silly, and that led to feeling self-conscious, and that led to feeling completely unworthy, which finally led to hiding myself away again. All these negative feelings come from being extremely self-conscious about my weight, about my skin, about every flawed detail of myself.   All these admissions surely prove my insanity, but it's true, and it's something that so many struggle with.  


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So, this is me, here and now.  I'm trying to make a fresh start with my self portraits, most of which I don't share, but the point is to leave proof and to learn a little bit of self-acceptance, so those are my main goals.  I'm avoiding any sort of themes or time frames for shots, but rather just capturing the here and now when I want to.  I'm just going to attempt to do it more regularly and without so much self-judgment.    Even though these shots were taken with my big-girl camera, I have to say that my iPhone has made it really easy to capture quick moments that my big camera would miss, so I've definitely noticed an increase in photos of myself from that alone.  The shots in this post came from a dressing room and one from the car, just random, just me, doing what I do, living life.  Hopefully I can keep it up!


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2 comments:

Julie said...

I think the shots are beautiful. ...and I relate to so much of what you've said. <3 I know it's easier to say than to do, but be kind to yourself! (I'm NOT. It's something I want to change. I'm working on it....) <3

jess said...

I feel the same way, mostly. I have always felt and known that I'm beautiful and that I deserve the best. I also have always felt that I don't portray to the world what I'm feeling inside- that, by looking at me, you're not really SEEING me. I think that, because of how I feel, I can naturally find the beauty in every single thing and every single person, and I'm flabbergasted when they can't see it in themselves. ; )